Thursday, February 28, 2008

Sorry to be blue...

Well, yesterday marked one whole year since we lost our little Truman. It is so hard to believe it has been a year. We have lived in Austin for a year now as well. So much has changed, but some things are oddly the same. Jes is in the midst of starting a new job, same as this time last year. I am just a few weeks ahead in my pregnancy now then I was with Truman when he was born.

It is so strange to have buried one of you children. I use to drive past the cemetery in Utah where my brother is buried and think "there's Britton". Last time I was home I drove passed and had the same old thought, and then hurriedly remembered "and Truman too". It's not something I think about all the time anymore, so it was almost like I forgot for a minute. What a weird feeling driving past... It's hard to describe. Almost like a part of you is buried there. I talked to my Dad about this, and he seemed to have had the same feelings so I guess it's normal.

Like I said, I don't think about it all the time now like I use to, so I guess time does help heal some wounds. My Aunt Mary lost a baby at birth, and told me she still cries about it sometimes. That statement both gave me comfort and fear. I was glad to be told that it is okay that I am still sad about loosing my Son, but it scared me in that I don't want to be sad still in 25 years! I guess what she meant is you never really get over the loss. My Mom says that it gets easier with each year. I will hold on to that for now, and my faith that Truman was taken back to our Father in Heaven so soon because he didn't have need to be on the earth any longer then he was. I have stopped torturing myself with what if's, and decided to rely on the Lord's understanding. I am sure the pain wont ever go away completely, but I have faith it gets easier.

Thank you to everyone who has helped us through this difficult year. It has been made easier with all your support. Thank you especially to my Mom, who never once suggested it was harder to loose a Son at 9 years old then to have one still born. I know it had to have been a lot worse. But she always seems to know just what to say to make me feel better. Thanks Mom.


The Conrads said...

My prayers are with you. I can't imagine. I am so glad I was able to see you when you came to AZ. I miss being able to see you. Maybe we can make a trip to TX after the baby is born. Ryan wants to take me back to San Antonio. He loved it there. We will keep our fingers crossed. Love ya.

Ali said...

Love ya Ash!! I drive past that cemetary almost every day and remember Brit and Truman now too. Its nice to know that they along with Gavin and all our grandparents and loved ones who have passed on, are there together waiting for us! But one funny story about that cemetary.. I remember being pretty young and going there to put flowers on Britton's grave with your Mom and Lacey, and i looked over and saw my Grandma Petersen at someones funeral burial. I yelled hi Grandma!!, not at all realizing it was not the time or place to be yelling. But as i look back,it makes me laugh.

Johna S. said...

Hi! Thank you for sharing- I can't even imagine what that felt like or how it continues to feel! I hope you are well in Austin-we should do lunch or something sometime!